Setting Limits with Friends Friends and Friendship
>> Saturday, January 24, 2009
If you have long-term feelings of anger, anger, handling, being treated as slight, etc., you most likely need to set some limits in your friendship.
Many people find themselves caught up in others' problems, then feel perplexed about how and when to help.
Take your good friend who just left her husband. Do you offer her a place to stay, money, advice, help with baby-sitting, a blind date or two?
Or take the friend who can never make it to the end of the month on a budget. Every month you bail him/her out.
How much is enough?
And how much is too much?
All relationships need limits whether they are friendships, sibling relationships, mate/lovers, business relations, etc. On some level, all limit setting means saying "no."
If you have long-term feelings of resentment, anger, manipulation, being treated as unimportant, etc., you probably need to set some limits in your relationship.
There are five steps to limit setting:
- Stick to your limits. You are not responsible for making the other person obey the limits. You are only responsible for following the limits yourself and for reinforcing them.
- Identify the source of your approach. It often takes some real soul-searching on your part to figure out the source of your anger or resentment.
- Choosing to set limits. You will tolerate a difficult relationship condition just as long as you choose to tolerate it. You are the one choosing to set boundaries in place.
- Express the limits clearly. For example, you say to your friend, "I will loan you up to $200.00 no more than once every three months. And I expect each loan to be repaid within three months and certainly before you can borrow more."
- Decide where to set the limits. Think about the entire situation. Consider your time, emotions, and means. Then consider whether you are helping the other person or merely allowing them avoid or postpone his/her own problem solving. Aim to do something to help the other person without taking on the whole problem.
